Ask A Guy
Talk About Offensive
Last week I was at my best friend's party. There weren't too many people at the party. It wasn't even much of a party, it was mostly just little groups or couples hanging around the house having a few drinks. I was sitting outside with one of my friends. I haven't known him for too long, but he seemed like a really nice, laid back, funny guy. We were a little bit tipsy but not completely drunk or wasted and we were having fun just laughing and making jokes, but then things started to get physical and we started kissing. Things didn't go too far, although we were both a little bit horny.
I'm an attractive girl but I'm not a slut. My friend who was hosting the party came outside with her boyfriend and caught us kissing. The guy I was kissing got mad because my best friend's boyfriend was asking him what's going on between us and the guy I was kissing told him that I was all over him and I kissed him first and he was being a big jerk about it. It's strange because I know and he's made it clear that he's attracted to me, so why is he acting like this? I don't know how to act around him anymore. I like him but he completely degraded our kiss and was a jerk! What should i do? Can you please explain things to me because I'm really confused.
hopeless | age 18 | March 20, 2010
Daniel says...
Guys don't like having their hearts exposed for the world to see and they would prefer if they could keep their feelings to themselves and only share them with those closest to them. It's also just a little bit selfish, too. He doesn't mind you knowing how he feels about you because he stands to gain from it. But what benefit could possibly be provided by this other guy knowing how he feels about you? As a result, his instincts told him to lash out against you to protect himself for the simple reason that he doesn't know you well enough to be overly concerned about your feelings. This does not mean he doesn't like you or he doesn't still want to hang out with you or even date you.
Was it inconsiderate? Certainly, but whether or not you want to look past that and give him another chance, is up to you. What I would recommend is for you to take things a little more slowly and make this guy pursue you a little. Rather than just hanging out and drinking, let him take you to dinner, take you to movies, and get to know you even better. If you take your time getting to know one another, you'll develop a connection that begs more respect and a deeper deference to one another. Then, if people catch you kissing again or accuse this guy of liking you, he won't fly off the handle. At that point, he can proudly claim that yes, in fact, he does like you - but not because it benefits him...because it won't really be news at all.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, kissing, gauging interest, feeling betrayed
It’s Over. Isn’t It?
My boyfriend and I are going through a horrible break up right now. Last weekend he told me we had to talk, so we laid in bed Sunday morning and he just started talking about how he's confused. He loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me from his life but part of him thinks he's supposed to be single. He talked about how he thinks some of his grumpy mood swings are from being in the relationship, but he wants to try to work things out so we can still see each other and hang out. He just doesn't want the label or the pressure.
Of course, this really upset me. A few tears were shed, but as we talked about it he seemed to retract what he said and the conversation just lead onto other things. I don't think either of us were done talking about it at that point, but we could both tell it was an uneasy conversation so I think that's why it just got dropped. We didn't end up breaking up then. But for the rest of the day, he kept cracking unnecessarily hurtful jokes at my expense. He wouldn't talk to me like a normal person, let alone his girlfriend. For the rest of the week he hasn't been texting me back hardly ever, and he hasn't called even once. And every time I text him asking him if he wants to hang out and go do something he says he's busy, and that he probably will be really busy for the next couple weeks. I even tried calling him three times, but he pressed ignore on all three calls and then just texted me saying, "you called?"
When I tell him I miss him or I love him now he just doesn't respond or comes back with, "oh." I'm kind of feeling like he's trying to give me reasons to break up with him, or at least agree with him when he says he wants to be single again. I hate it. Yesterday he texted me and said we had to talk about us. I asked what was it about, and he responded, "I'm just confused." So I asked him to come pick me up so we can go and talk, and he said, "nah, I would really prefer the phone...talk about awkward drive back." This OBVIOUSLY means he's planning on breaking up with me. I'm so hurt and confused, I don't know where all this came from. But I'm so worried I won't ever get to hang out with him and his friends again.
I got SO close to all of his friends, every Friday and Saturday night we'd all go out to bars or parties and just have a good time. I really don't want to lose that. I'm used to spending four or five days a week at his house and staying over every night. How am I supposed to fill that void when we now share the same friends as well? I'm going to be left heartbroken, without my boyfriend, and without my friends (because technically they were his friends first). I don't think I can go through with this. Help!
Sarah | age 18 | New Jersey | March 20, 2010
Daniel says...
A true relationship takes two people - two hearts. Right now, your boyfriend isn't in your relationship. He's not even going through the motions. He doesn't return phone calls, he doesn't pick up the phone when you call, he doesn't make any attempt to spend time with you, and he doesn't even give you reasons when he turns down your invitations to hang out. In every practical way, the two of you are already broken up. The only thing that remains is the actual discussion itself - and you're fortunate enough that your boyfriend still thinks of you as enough of a couple that he's willing to have that conversation. With that said, he's unwilling to have the conversation in person because he already tried that. He tried that and you managed to talk him out of it. As a result, he doesn't think attempting to talk face-to-face again will be successful.
It sounds like your boyfriend has spend the past few days trying to make you break up with him. While this is sort of a cheap way out, it is also somewhat understandable of him. He tried breaking up and it didn't go well. As far as the friend issue goes, let this be a lesson in friendship. You should never separate yourself so far from your friends that you would be completely alone if your relationship with your significant other ended. Hanging out together is always healthy for a relationship, but having separate friends and doing things without each other is just as healthy. It gives the two of you time apart, time to miss one another, distance that's necessary in order to analyze your relationship, and the perspective of your friends and what they think of your relationship as well as theirs.
There is a lot of insight that can be gained from spending time apart. And then, when you hang out again, it gives the two of you things to talk about. Obviously this can't help you right now, but keep it in mind in the future. If your relationship with your other friends (not your boyfriend's friends) is damaged or non-existent enough that picking up the pieces is impossible, then go find something new to do. Maybe there's an adult softball league or a community dance class that you want to take. Get out and do things that interest you and you will meet people with those same interests. Whatever you do, don't just shut down and hang out in your apartment all doom-and-gloom. If you're going to get over your failed relationship, then you have to be willing to take a few chances and try some new experiences. Sure, it sucks - everyone's been through something similar, though. Just have patience and a positive attitude and you'll be back to normal before you know it!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, moving on, breaking up
The Silence is Deafening
This may be kind of stupid and it's not really a problem, but I just wanted to know if I could do anything different to improve this situation.
My boyfriend and I are best friends, we were best friends for over a few years before we even got together. Anyway, since we are really close we can tell each other anything and talk about anything. In person or over the Internet we talk nonstop, but when on the phone there are so many silences. It's not like the awkward silence, just we have nothing to say at that time. Is there anything I can do to change this? I always ask what's up, or whatcha doing, or how was your day. And questions like that but those kind of questions usually have a short answer such as: "nothing," "watching tv," or "it was alright." I was just wondering if there is anything else I could say or ask to keep the conversation flowing?
Daniel says...
It sounds as though you are falling into the trap to which many young relationships fall victim: you're spending too much time together. By spending so much time together, you're losing your individual identity. However, because you don't have many of the adult responsibilities like work, office politics, and money, you don't have enough stuff to forge an identity as a couple. This may sound counter-intuitive, but try spending a little more time apart. Obviously, this is a tricky proposition to make. Once you establish expectations that you will spend a certain amount of time together, on the phone, or chatting over the internet, it is very difficult to back up from that without hurting someone's feelings.
What you should do is explain that you don't really like all the awkward silences and think they're simply a result of spending so much time together that you don't have anything to share with one another when you are actually together. Set a goal for each of you to join a new club (it could even be the same club if it's one that requires a lot of dedication). After you've done that, you should start to find that your conversations don't lag as much as they used to. You'll have some moments of silence, but if you have something to talk about with one another then your conversations will flow much more naturally. At the same time, if you're spending some time apart from one another in a club then you won't have quite as many silent moments that need to be filled.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, spending time together, silence
In The Absence of Concerted Effort…
I have been talking to this guy for a couple months. When we started hanging out, we were both in long term relationships that were going sour. (I had been unhappy for over a year and he was working with an attorney to get her out of his home.) I have since ended mine, and his girlfriend moved out (without legal action) with their children. Since our relationship changes, we hang out a lot and talk quite a bit on the phone (we have had conversations that last as long as three hours). Our children have met, although they believe we are only friends, and maybe we are.
However, his ex recently called him after ignoring him completely for four weeks, and they have been talking. She has stayed at his home, but they are still "rocky." He and I have had a number of "talks" regarding "feelings", almost all of them initiated by him. When we started talking, we discussed that our relationship would be casual with no expectations, and there are none. But it has been anything but casual.
After one of our talks, I told him that I am giving him an "out" - that I still think he is great but maybe we should take a rest. He said he is not looking for an "out" and he did not want to stop talking and hanging out. I have told him that I am leaving the door open and I want him to be happy. We still talk (two hours last night), but we have not seen each other, and he has said that he thinks that this may be unhealthy for both us. I know it is probably unhealthy for me, but why would it be unhealthy for him? If I truly treat him better than anyone, ever (his words), then why is he even trying to salvage a relationship that he wanted out of? I know men usually say exactly what they want/mean, but he is sending me mixed signals.
Harlequinn | age 32 | March 19, 2010
Daniel says...
Your first mistake is assuming men always say exactly what they want or mean. In particularly sensitive issues or ones in which they judge they could be embarrassed by the outcome, guys will often hint at what they want or give indications very indirectly. It's really much the same as girls...it's just the girls are way better at it!
It doesn't appear to me that this guy is sending any mixed signals. In fact, it appears as though this guy's initial interest, which raged with much intensity for a time, has waned of late. At this point he seems to be unsure what he wants to do, who he wants to end up with, or what is best for him. This is not terribly surprising, though, because he just got out of a relationship that was, by all accounts, very serious. In addition, the end of the relationship seems to have been fairly acrimonious. This will inflict some fairly serious emotional damage that could require quite a while for him to get over. The more painful a break up is (and this one was on the brink of requiring legal action and an eviction), the more you focus on the pain and the harder it is to get over. If he started cozying up to you soon after the break up, there's a good chance that he hadn't allowed himself adequate time to truly get over the relationship.
Absent concerted effort to correct problems, we as humans will inevitably revert to known behavior. In this case, it sounds like Romeo has started to question whether he should have broken up with his ex-girlfriend. His behavior is buoyed by the fact that he shares children with this girl; she will be a part of his life forever and every time he looks at his kids he is reminded of that fact. Right now, it sounds like he is questioning his relationship with you and you have given him the impression (by telling him you are giving him an out) that you are also questioning the relationship. If this is not the case, then you should correct the misconception. If it is the case, then Romeo is right - this is unhealthy for the two of you and it's probably best that it stop.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, moving on, mixed signals
Effort Would Be Nice
Hi Daniel! I have been seeing this guy on and off for the last three years. I like him a lot, but he is tremendously busy. He is a teacher, he is in the army reserves, and he is a dance instructor for a salsa group at night. The problem is that we are always off and on...more off than on. He ignores my phone calls and text messages and always wants to get together for the mere convenience of sex. I stopped having sex with him and, little do you know, he barely calls me now.
Every time we end it, and it's usually myself ending it, he always apologizes and comes back. Sometimes it takes time and sometimes it takes months, but he always comes back. I want something serious and I feel as if I have wasted my three years with this guy (I haven't seen anyone else). It's gotten to the point where it's constant bickering and arguing because it seems as if he doesn't have any interest in me. A guy who is interested would call me, text me, and show me he wants to be around me. But this guy doesn't do anything...except once in a while.
I don't know what to do. I really like him and in the beginning he wasn't like this. I don't know what changed.
ItsJustJess25 | age 25 | March 18, 2010
Daniel says...
What changed is that he came to expect your affection - maybe even your love. He grew complacent and thought he didn't have to put forth any effort toward your relationship. He still thinks this. In part this could mean he isn't as interested in you as you are in him, but this also exposes a general laziness on his part. If he truly valued his relationship with you, he would realize what he is putting you through and take steps to correct his behavior. Guys can sometimes not be the smartest creatures on earth. We are prone to missteps and mistakes and we seem to have a knack for hurting the feelings of those we love the most. But the one thing that every genuine guy has in common is a desire to make his significant other happy.
This guy is simply keeping you on the leash for sex. He isn't concerned about your happiness and seems to only be concerned about his own pleasure. Once he realizes a couple weeks or months after you cut things off that you constitute his best chance to get a little side action, he comes crawling back with the requisite promises to be nicer, do better, and try harder. It's a common reaction to think 'I've spent three years with someone, so I need to make this work.' But if you're not happy with someone (miserable, in fact), you need to turn that thought on its head. 'I've been pouring my heart into this for three years through countless attempts to communicate my feelings and concerns and he has not changed one bit. It's time to find someone who will love and cherish me.'
It's scary to think about completely saying goodbye to someone who has consumed so much of your life for so long, but sometimes it's a necessary step. I'd definitely say that is the case here.
Tags: sex, ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, moving on, on-again off-again
Rapid Response: Creepy?
There is this really cute guy on Twitter. I asked to follow him and I want to become friends with him, but I don't know what to do! Do you think you can help me? Thanks.
Anonymous | age 15 | March 18, 2010
Daniel says...
Twitter is a fun way to share information about yourself, learn about other people, and "keep up" with your favorite stars, but I'm not sure it's possible to really get to know someone 140 characters at a time. Any knowledge you glean about them will be superficial at best due simply to the limited nature of your interaction with them. The best thing to do when getting to know a guy is to pursue opportunities to really interact with them. Exchanging a few tweets with them probably serves as a good introduction, but you need to find out more. Figure out if they have a Myspace page, find them on Facebook, and ultimately get to where you can exchange full emails with them.
Hopefully you can eventually get this guy's phone number to talk to him directly - that should be the near-term goal. In the mean time, be friendly and flirty but not obsessive. Don't respond to him the second he tweets you because that will give the indication you have nothing better going on. As your friendship grows, it may become more appropriate to reply sooner but rapid responses early on are just creepy. Keep things casual and friendly at first and you'll be much more likely to catch this guy's attention. Just remember not to rely on Twitter to the the way to get him to develop real interest in you.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, crushes, twitter, developing interest
Just Go For It!
There is this guy I really like. I don't really know him that well, but we kissed at a party about two weeks ago. He seemed pretty interested in me at the party, but I guess that doesn't actually mean that much. He came up to me at school and talked to me the week after. The week after that I went up and talked to him. However when I did so, he didn't seem all that interested. I'm not sure if it was me he wasn't interested in or the topic, because I was complaining to him how there was a rumour going around about us. He seemed quite interested in me until I brought that up.
We exchange eye contact quite a bit and we are both going to a party this weekend. I want to go up to him and say this:
"Can I talk to you for a second?" Then I'll take him to a more private place. "I know I should have probably done this at school, but you're just so intimidating. I know we don't know each other all that well, but I like you."
I just think that way I can find out for sure how he feels. Do you think this is a good idea?
I think that, although him not pursuing me at school that much would normally indicate he isn't interested in me, I don't really see him talking to girls very often and I think he might be a bit shy around them, just like I am around boys. The other issue is, is that he does high school certificate and I do international baccalaureate at school, so it's not like I even get much of a chance to talk to him casually. I think that's making it harder to achieve a kind of friendship with him.
What do you think?
Anonymous | March 17, 2010
Daniel says...
First thing's first - your plan to talk to him sounds like a good one. It's direct but not pushy, it's honest, and it cuts out a lot of the crap. As you say, the two of you aren't in a position to spend a lot of time dancing around, getting to know one another. You're in separate curricula at school and your time together is severely limited so you don't have the luxury of taking your time. If you want to get to know him, you have to catch his attention first - and that requires doing something a little bold. This guy does appear to be interested in you and you may have just scared him a little when you mentioned the rumors going around about the two of you.
With that said, mentioning the rumors was a smart move on your part. This brought up the subject of dating and did so in a way that was not pushy or intimidating. Rather, it was simply a way to bring the topic out and give him an opportunity to either admit to liking you or make a move. He did neither, but this is not necessarily an indication that he is uninterested. As you say, he may very well just be intimidated at the thought of making a move.
Talk to this guy when you have the chance and get to know him to whatever extent is reasonably possible. But if you have a chance to do what you describe at the party, go ahead and take it. If he is shy enough that he has a hard time really starting things with a girl, then he will probably be overjoyed at the thought of a girl going out of her way to admit her feelings for him. Plus, as I have said before, you want to behave in a way that you are comfortable with when it comes to relationships. You want a guy to develop a realistic picture of who you are. Even if this type of thing is hard for you to do, the fact that you are seriously considering it says something about your personality...something that is intriguing and fun. Don't be afraid to just be yourself!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, gauging interest, making a move
Do Second Chances Really Never Work?
Hi Daniel,
I just read your reply to leah about how second chances never really work, and my mind went off on one of those "but what about..." tangents.
About a year ago, I went out with this boy. We got together on a camp and it was one of those incredibly awkward mutual first relationships. I'm about nine months older than him, but two school years ahead because I skipped a grade. At the time, I had a lot to deal with as I had just been moved ahead a grade, and I had also just had my head messed with by a guy I had liked for about a year. I had also spent a lot of time with a guy who lives overseas; I was completely convinced I was in love with him (tut, tut).
I feel like this past boyfriend and I got together pretty impulsively, and after a month I broke up with him because I didn't feel comfortable in the relationship and I don't think he did either. I felt like I had all the control, and he just kind of followed me around. I also felt that the maturity gap was quite big (I see now that I was just being egotistical, because I can't label a lot of the stupid things I did last year as 'mature'.). I know now that it wasn't really maturity, but stuff that I was trying to deal with that he couldn't understand.
Over the course of last year we actually became really good friends and we both changed a lot. I became less melodramatic and self-righteous as I developed a genuine respect for myself and stopped taking things so seriously (and stopped depending so much on romantic relationships) and he became a lot crazier and more outgoing. These days we have a much better friendship - and a lot more in common. Over the Christmas holidays I got this huge crush on him again, and then didn't see him for a month, and when I did, after we'd hung out for a few days I impulsively blurted out that I liked him...again. He had to go immediately and could only reply a week later, when he told me in very unsympathetic and insensitive terms that his hormones simply weren't attracted to me in that way.
He said we could go out again but he could see it going nowhere and that I was difficult to date because I always have problems that I'm stressing about. He walked away and I started crying, but I was so shocked that he could suddenly be such a jerk that I got over him almost immediately. I can understand his frustration at me, though. I break up with him and then suddenly decide NO! I like you again! He must be thinking, beeaaatch, pleeeeaaz! The thing that's a bit...weird is that we were suddenly really close again a week after he hurt me.
He's a bit of an odd friend. He's pretty touchy-feely and flirty. If you're one of his chick friends for five minutes you're suddenly convinced that there's at least something vague between you (I know a lot of his other chick-friends well). The thing is, I'm the only proper girlfriend he's ever had, even if we went out a year ago. For some reason, I thought he'd treat me at least slightly differently where flirting is concerned. A lot of girls in the year above him really like him, but he never seems to like anyone - and if he does she'd have a tough time figuring it out because he's so flirty with all of his chick friends. I'm not saying he's a player - it's just how he is and I think a lot of the time he probably has no idea of the messages he's sending to (hopeful) girls. And here's the thing....... Few months after he hurt me and I'm feeling pretty secure about not having any significant other.
I was just thinking about relationships and how funny they are. I was trying to imagine the kind of guy I'd want to be with right now and I really couldn't. I was in a very crowded space and looked around at all the people, knowing that none of them had anything I was looking for. I mentally shrugged and then suddenly he walked past and I felt like someone had dropped my heart into an icy lake as everything suddenly clicked into place and I realized that he was exactly what I was looking for. Which is very stupid and ridiculous and completely inconvenient, yes...I know.
In order for you to give me your objective opinion here I'd just like to state that I am a very melodramatic person who gets way too stressed out by things sometimes. I've just come into a new space and am generally a lot more chilled these days. I know a lot of guys are also probably a bit...intimidated (?) by me because I'm not exactly your simpering giggling pinacle of teenage girliness. I have a brain and I'm generally quite fond of using it. I'm also a bit of a weird artist, but most people seem to think I'm pretty cool. So yeah - a pretty messed up situation. Opinion?
lalalalala | age 15 | March 17, 2010
Daniel says...
At this stage, I would caution against making grandiose judgments about whether or not this guy is the right one for you. You're still very much infatuated with this guy and you are predisposed to make judgments and decisions that lead you toward the conclusion that he is the right person for you. You like him, he doesn't seem to have feelings for you, and, at this point, it's about as simple as that. In addition, the fact that he has expressed a lack of desire to date you again may be contributing to your desire - everyone wants what they can't have to some extent.
As far as second chances go, it is possible that second chances can work...but only when they are more like first chances. That is to say, second chances have their best odds of success when the people involved have gone so long without really knowing one another that there is that same "reintroduction" period. Sure, some things won't change, but time and distance allows people to truly change and work out the show-stopping shortcomings in their dating personality. If you remain friends with one another, simply waiting a long time between your attempts at dating, the two of you will grow and change together, making it more likely that the issues that caused your break-up in the first place will either not be addressed or will merely be papered over. With that said, you do appear to be succeeding in the area of addressing your own relationship weaknesses.
No guy wants to date a drama queen and your bid to reduce (or end) your melodramatic tendencies will only help you down the road. Whether it helps you with this guy in particular remains to be seen, but it never hurts to be more even-keeled and less likely to fly off the handle at the slightest perceived wrong. Another thing you can work on is in being more decisive - and not being so prone to impulsive action (like breaking up and then immediately deciding otherwise).
This article was originally posted by Daniel in April 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, second chances, drama
A Month Apart
My boyfriend has just left the country for a month. We have been dating for a while and he told me he would Facebook me and email me if he had the internet where he was going. I have not heard from him in three days. I logged onto Facebook today and saw that he has messaged 10 of his friends (including girls) since he left. He has not said anything or messaged me at all. Before he left he was saying to trust him and that he may be falling in love and other things. I thought we were perfect and everything but I was really hurt when I saw he has had internet and is messaging everyone but me. What does this mean? What should I do?
Anonymous | age 21 | March 16, 2010
Daniel says...
It sounds like these messages are public messages via Facebook, so your best option is to use Facebook to get in touch with him. The most important thing in this is not to get angry. If you get angry, it will only initiate a defensive reaction in him and possibly cause him to react with anger right back at you. When two people are angry and are reacting while driven by that anger it's rare that anything constructive occurs. usually they just end up hurting one another and doing even more damage than what had already occurred. It's important that you keep a level head and simply indicate that you are confused and hurt at this series of events.
Send him a message on Facebook that goes something like this: "Hey honey. I hope you're having an awesome time! I miss you so much. Remember that you promised to stay in touch? I'm feeling a little neglected because I noticed that you've been online and haven't sent me an update. I want to feel like I'm in the loop and touring Europe [or wherever he is] vicariously through you. Love you lots! [insert name here]."
Obviously you can change things up a bit to match the style of your relationship. If you still don't hear from him and notice more activity, then it's time to send a more confrontational message along the lines of: "I know long distance can be hard. If you're not keeping in touch with me because you're having second thoughts about our relationship, please let me know. I would rather put our relationship on hold and try to pick it up where we left off when you return than pine away for you all month and find out you forgot all about me. Love you lots, [insert name here]."
You need to watch out for yourself here. If you're hurting, don't be afraid to deal with the issue.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, long distance relationships, honesty, confronting problems
Wastin’ Time
This seems kind of tough to explain in a concise way. There's a guy who I've been talking to for almost a year now. We've talked pretty much everyday, we've flirted, hung out, and he knows that I like him. In January he had to leave for six months, but he'll be back where I am in two weeks. While he's been gone we've emailed each other a whole bunch and we also talk online. When he gets online he IM's immediately before I even have a chance to.
We've made plans for when he gets back and we still flirt with each other. Over this past year we've pretty much talked about anything and everything. The problem is, I don't know for sure if he likes me. Sometimes it comes across like he definitely does and other times he seems distant. I know that he probably isn't having the best time where he is right now, so that could be part of the problem and I also know that I could be reading into things.
Does it seem like there is potential for more than just friends here? He has said some really sweet things to me; you don't think I am wasting time with this, right?
Hillary | age 21 | United States | March 16, 2010
Daniel says...
I don't know where this guy went for six months or what he's doing there, but any time you leave home for an extended period, a certain amount of loneliness and a desire for normalcy is to be expected. But if your friend is in some exciting place with all kinds of activities to experience and things to do and he chooses to spend all his free time talking to you online, then that's definitely an indication that there are some stronger feelings at work.
As far as sometimes coming across as if he likes you and seeming distant at others, no one can be "on" all the time. Everyone has off days or times in which they just aren't themselves. It's actually common for people to talk about guys having a "time of the month" much like girls. While the male "cycle" is more tongue-in-cheek, it certainly has merit. Everyone cycles. The body is a constantly-changing, developing, cycling wonder of nature. As certain hormone levels change, others change with them. With all that chemical change going on, someone's mood is bound to be affected. The fact that this guy always initiates contact with you seems to indicate that he does have feelings for you.
Even people who are just homesick go through times when they don't want to interact with others. But it is rare that a guy who has a crush on a girl avoids talking to her. Have patience and see how things change when this guy gets back to the area. Your relationship will change in some way, but keep an eye on how exactly it does. Perhaps when he gets back to town take him out for drinks to welcome him back. Do some things that aren't "dates", per se, but get the two of you out together. If he does like you, things should progress naturally from there.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in April 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, gauging interest, rekindling the flames, homesickness